a dark tunnel

I’m at a real breaking point in my life right now. For those of you who don’t deal with mental disorders, I am so beyond jealous. I’ve dealt with most of my high school career with depression and anxiety and it is so overwhelming to feel like you have a thick blanket wrapped over your body for four long years, and no matter how hard you claw at that blanket, it won’t come off, it keeps getting tighter and tighter, darker and darker. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do for the rest of my life, because everyone else is applying to schools, etc. and all I can think about is how badly I just want to graduate and leave. It almost sounds mean to say, but besides my family and my friends, my town has nothing left for me. I don’t want to spend four more years in school. I don’t want to spend four more years crying over my marks and the number in my bank account. I don’t want to spend four more years trying to be that perfect image of myself that I’ve kept in the back of my mind since I was in grade eight. I’m tired of always pleasing others and striving to be the best and meet all these goals and expectations that others have for me. I can’t do it anymore. And I sure as hell don’t want to sit in a job for the rest of my life after I get a degree. But that’s what society says, right? I think differently. Everyone goes to school, and then works to pay off those huge student loans. But soon the love of the money becomes too great and we obsess over it, how much we have in our bank accounts, we flaunt it to those who don’t have it. I don’t want to be another person who obsesses over the money they earn and the things they have, or the fancy piece of paper framed in a walnut picture frame in your home office that says you have the knowledge to continue to live the rest of your life. I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 years old, married and have kids to finally do something with my life.

I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about how fucked up our society is (pardon my language). We pay to live. We work to earn our keep and we still end up paying for other people’s mistakes. The expectations get higher and higher in our school systems and in jobs, and the higher those expectations get, the higher the stress level gets, the more people that break down under the pressure. Our society is so faulty. No one said we were a perfect society, but hey. These are all reasons why I’m so excited to leave after high school. No more expectations, no more trying to push myself to the point of tears. No more stressing myself out because of what the school system or what the government says. 

Its funny, the more I read over my rant, the more it sounds like I’m talking about conspiracy theories. I’m just tired of rules and expectations, I’m sure everyone is. I just want to be out of this dark tunnel. This world has better things for me.

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3 thoughts on “a dark tunnel

  1. There are no easy, simple words I can say to make your situation better. However, on this day in which the world is mourning and honouring the memory of Nelson Mandela, look at the words of the poem he found inspirational, words that gave him strength during the 27 years he spend in prison:

    Invictus

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.

    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll.
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.

    Cvet

  2. I completely see where you are coming from. Our lives are in such a temporary state right now. We are all on the brink of great freedom. Rylee, I have faith that you will live in complete happiness someday if you live life to the standards that you desire. Follow your own path. Whether or not you go to post secondary education, you will still be loved, precious and great. According to what I’ve seen from you, you’re a grade-A friend and a top notch role model. This world DOES have greater things for you. You are so close to the end of this tunnel, enjoy the ride and be excited for what’s at the end of it.

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