a dark tunnel

I’m at a real breaking point in my life right now. For those of you who don’t deal with mental disorders, I am so beyond jealous. I’ve dealt with most of my high school career with depression and anxiety and it is so overwhelming to feel like you have a thick blanket wrapped over your body for four long years, and no matter how hard you claw at that blanket, it won’t come off, it keeps getting tighter and tighter, darker and darker. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do for the rest of my life, because everyone else is applying to schools, etc. and all I can think about is how badly I just want to graduate and leave. It almost sounds mean to say, but besides my family and my friends, my town has nothing left for me. I don’t want to spend four more years in school. I don’t want to spend four more years crying over my marks and the number in my bank account. I don’t want to spend four more years trying to be that perfect image of myself that I’ve kept in the back of my mind since I was in grade eight. I’m tired of always pleasing others and striving to be the best and meet all these goals and expectations that others have for me. I can’t do it anymore. And I sure as hell don’t want to sit in a job for the rest of my life after I get a degree. But that’s what society says, right? I think differently. Everyone goes to school, and then works to pay off those huge student loans. But soon the love of the money becomes too great and we obsess over it, how much we have in our bank accounts, we flaunt it to those who don’t have it. I don’t want to be another person who obsesses over the money they earn and the things they have, or the fancy piece of paper framed in a walnut picture frame in your home office that says you have the knowledge to continue to live the rest of your life. I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 years old, married and have kids to finally do something with my life.

I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about how fucked up our society is (pardon my language). We pay to live. We work to earn our keep and we still end up paying for other people’s mistakes. The expectations get higher and higher in our school systems and in jobs, and the higher those expectations get, the higher the stress level gets, the more people that break down under the pressure. Our society is so faulty. No one said we were a perfect society, but hey. These are all reasons why I’m so excited to leave after high school. No more expectations, no more trying to push myself to the point of tears. No more stressing myself out because of what the school system or what the government says. 

Its funny, the more I read over my rant, the more it sounds like I’m talking about conspiracy theories. I’m just tired of rules and expectations, I’m sure everyone is. I just want to be out of this dark tunnel. This world has better things for me.

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what you are not

You are not your designer clothes

You are not the makeup you cake on your face every morning

You are not the books and notes in your backpack

You are not the 52% on your math test 

You are not the four classes you sit in for six hours a day

You are not the homework you do for four hours a night

You are not your job

You are not the dollar sign on your paycheck

You are not the things that you own, nor are you the things that you want. 

You are the reflection in the mirror every morning

Plain and calm

You are the colours you dress yourself in to stand out

You are a creative mind in a technological world

Waiting for the first jump of creativity

You are a student of the world

You are worth your actions and your words and thoughts

You are more than a person

You are a soul.